ahora

Tonight Kent and I went to visit his Grandma H. She is not doing well. We basically went and said our good-byes. It was difficult to see her laying in her bed, puffy face, occasionally labored breathing, eyes barely opened.... Thankfully, she was somewhat awake (she was awakened after a nap she had had) and able to talk. It was good to hear her say that she wasn't in much pain. She's on morphine to help keep her comfortable. Her speech was slurred, so it was difficult to understand her sometimes, but even despite her current condition, she still managed a few weak smiles and had her spunk - spunk that is very characteristic of Grandma. :)

As difficult as it was to see her in her weakened state, it was even more difficult to see Grandpa. He is doing relatively well considering, but he knows her time is soon and tears up every so often. This is his precious wife that he has loved and been married to for over 60 years. I could have wept when I saw him bend lovingly over his wife after the rest of us left her room. It was just the two of them. I couldn't take my eyes away. I don't know what words were exchanged between them, but I could have wept thinking that every conversation could be their last. What thoughts are going through his mind? What thoughts are going through hers? How could one even find words to say in those moments? Their love for each other is so genuine - so tender. It is a beautiful and godly love. I hope and pray that our marriage can reflect even a fraction of the love they have for each other.

We don't know when her time will come, but it will probably be soon. It was a blessing to sit in a chair next to her bed, hold her hand, stroke her arm, and tell her how special she is and how much we love her. She thanked us for visiting her and said that she loves us, too.

I am blessed to have married into this family. I am blessed to have her as my Grandma.

Three guys in one of the prisons we visited while in Guatemala are now in a dangerous situation. Two of these guys are guys that our group met. We also met their families and prayed with them while we were there. I can't give more details than that...but please pray for their protection.

Dear Lord,

"May the groans of the prisoners come before you;

by the strength of your arm

preserve those condemned to die."

~Psalm 27:11

Psalm 119:71
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."

Psalm 119:104
"I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path."


Although it has been a month since I returned from Guatemala, I am still struggling...struggling with a number of things.

I don't think I've ever read Psalm 119 in it's entirety before. I know I've read parts of it before, but never the whole thing. I think it's because it has always seemed really long and daunting to me so I have kinda skipped around it thinking someday I'd go back and read it. But I started reading it the other night and the two verses above really stuck out to me. They seemed to give a voice to how I've been feeling lately - words to an emotion I haven't quite been able to express.

119:71 speaks about how, through affliction (affliction of the soul in my case) one can come to know God's commandments in a new way. I have seen and witnessed a lot of brokenness near and far away. Particularly through my experiences in Guatemala, I believe that God is shaping my heart to be more like his. He is training my eyes to see his people more like he sees them. He is training my ears to hear the cries that he hears - not perfectly, obviously, but shaping. Honing.

119:104 gives voice to the frustration I've been feeling quite heavily for the past month. God has been working on me for a long time - shaping me and forming me more into the kind of person he wants me to be. In the last three years, especially, he has been pushing me in directions I never thought I'd go. He's pulled me quite far out of my comfort zone. I believe He's been preparing me for bigger things in my life - things that are still vague to me, but important things nonetheless. I feel like some of the experiences from the past 3 years are starting to come to a head this year. I am quite restless. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am becoming jaded. Why? Because the more I learn about what God wills for his people - such as feeding the hungry, clothing those without clothes, taking care of widows and orphans, reaching out to the down-and-out, loving the societally-dubbed "unlovable" - the more a righteous anger burns within me at how poorly the church and people who claim they love Jesus actually work to bring shalom to these areas of brokenness...and the more convicted I feel that I need to GO and DO what the basic message of the Bible is all about! But I'm struggling to figure out how to rightly direct this righteous anger without further contributing to the problem.

This morning, we had a guest pastor who preached on John 14:1-14. He asked the question, "Where is heaven?" and challenged us to think about that as he spoke. He proceeded, then, to say how many Christians are really good at looking forward and saying, "The world may be a broken place, but at least we know that when we die, we are going to leave this place and go to heaven." It's great to have the hope of eternity...but what is the problem with that statement? If we are so focused on looking ahead - looking forward to a place that will take us away from the earth - then we begin to think (or act as if we think) that this world doesn't matter.

We teach our children, "For God so loved the world..." and then we teach them to not love the world. Isn't that confusing? Which is it? (For older adults, we know that the latter means 'worldliness' - to not be wrapped up in the sinful thoughts and actions of the world and culture around us...but we have to be careful to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, so-to-speak.)

If we stop with the thought of heaven as a destination, then we have to ignore John 14:12:
12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

If heaven is only a destination, then why didn't Jesus just save us from afar? Why didn't he intervene from his place in heaven instead of doing what he did and actually coming down and dwelling among us...healing the sick, encouraging the downtrodden, reaching out to the down-and-outs of society, touching the filthy, loving the unlovable, forgiving the unforgivable, welcoming in the outsider...DWELLING AMONG us.

If we take John 14:12 seriously, just imagine the beauty that can be brought to an ugly world - the healing that can take place in millions of lives shattered by abuse, hatred and shame...just imagine what could be done if we truly believe that, though the power of the Holy Spirit living and dwelling within us, we can do even greater things than Jesus himself did while he walked the earth. Does that not give you goosebumps?!?

I'm tired of sitting back and being complacent & comfortable. I'm tired of living a life where I can "afford" to be oblivious to the fact that around 97% of the world doesn't live like I do with the comforts and resources I have at my disposal and just settle thinking "it'll never change so why bother?". Maybe economic situations won't change, but hearts and lives can change. People can know that they have worth - even if they are stinky, scantily dressed, on drugs, homeless, egocentric, abused, the abusers....they just need someone to love them as Jesus did and as we are called to do. Jesus ascended. He sent his Spirit. Now, through that same Spirit, we take on the role of Jesus on earth to do the same things he did, but multiplied by millions upon millions. Heaven is not (only) a geographical location - heaven is present in and through us. Therefore:
We need to re-learn what it means to be the church.
We need to re-learn what it means to be Jesus' hands and feet in the world we live in.

I am making changes in my life - some small...some potentially not-so-small - to follow after Jesus. Following in Jesus' footsteps is hard. It is tiring. It is fought tooth and nail by the devil. But following in Jesus' footsteps sets prisoners free, heals the sick and brings hope to people without hope - peace to places and situations where, previously, there was no peace.

Most of the places we went this past trip we were not allowed to take pictures or, if we were, we are not allowed to post them online. So, that being said, here are a few glimpses of Guatemala. They don't tell the heart of the trip, but they are a part of our story there.

Traveling to Antigua...in this picture, we were actually traveling with another church from our area in Washington that happened to be in Guatemala the same time we were. We sat between 4-6 people across for about an hour long ride in a school bus. Comfy.

We did some work in prisons...put on a VBS for kids of the guys in the prisons...made some visits to these guys' homes to pray with and for their families.... Here are Joel and Shawn giving us a little wisdom before we began one of our VBS days.

The theme of the dramas: You Are God's Treasure.

I love my husband. I'm glad we were able to go there again together.

At Casita Benjamin (a different location where we put on a mini-VBS) - a sweet little boy, face paint and all, showing me a gift he received: a hand-carved car from an elderly gentleman from our congregation - made especially for these children.

We visited the city dump...heart-wrenching...makes me wonder why I was born in the US into a wonderful home with tons of resources at my disposal...and this is how 97% of the world lives.

Ezekiel 37:1-14


After a week of intenseness...we ended up here: Lake Atitlán in Panajachel. A beautiful area. The lake is surrounded by 3 volcanoes. We took a boat across to Santiago to do some shopping, but then we ended up at Eagle's Nest orphanage where we stayed the night (we met up with the other church again here). Some of us were able to meet and play with some of the children while we were there. Adoptions in Guatemala are currently closed so, in an orphanage where there are normally 50-70 kids, there were only 17. I spoke with a 9-year-old girl for a while. I could just see it in her eyes that she was longing for someone to take her home - to love her permanantly as one of their own - longing for people to stop coming by for a couple of days or weeks to "love on her" and actually have someone take her out of there to be a little girl and live the way little girls are supposed to live. I wish I could've taken her home with me....

Group shot.

Kent, Conor & Shawn. Boys will be boys. :)

Apparently white men can jump....


Kent, me and Gary - friend and translator. Kent and I met Gary two years ago. It was so good to see him again.

Last day in Guatemala - playing a game they made up (I don't remember the name...). They were amused for hours playing this game. :)

Place where we ate and had our morning & evening devotions.
I miss Guatemala. I continue to pray for my friends there and the amazing things they are doing. Thank you, Lord, for being the God who sees - for seeing Guatemala, for seeing us and for offering us hope.